On December 26, 2003, R.C.'s own Dr. Frankenfurter, on a grant project in New Mexico, USA, discovered what is, by far, the oldest-known human remains.

This amazing find was the work of Dr. Frankenfurter's staff of experts; the result of years of expert analysis.

Few of the world's expert archeologists would have expected any find such ancient materials, or have imagined a find of this kind to be located in New Mexico. But when Dr. Leakbottom of the Scottish Society of Old Dead Things was contacted by RMCN reporters explaining that Dr. Frankenfurter's staff had located the relics, Leakbottom said, "Aye, that explains it."

Very few experts worldwide would question any finding by our Dr. F., as he is the acknowledged leader in the industry.

Two distinct pieces of fossil were discovered by the team, from which a computerized representation of the complete being, now known as Elsie, has now been reconstructed.

The team's report classified one piece as a bone of the middle toe of Elsie's left foot, and the other fossil as her left eyebrow. Dr. F. provided his team's report for this story.

Surprisingly, the dig happened to be located on a golf course behind a well-known resort hotel east of San Simone, Arizona. The doctor was visiting the course when he happened to miss the 7th hole. After an argument where the course management refused to refund the famed doctor's course fee, his keen eye detected one of the now immortalized fragments and a dig was begun with federal grant monies totaling over $800,000. Now a huge archeological dig, the monies have yielded some of the most important and amazing facts that science has ever known.

For instance, Elsie was a blonde, about five feet two inches in height, with a characteristic set of dimples when she smiled. Elsie preferred cranberry sauce or chutney with nearly every meal. Elsie also liked the color green, and men who weren't afraid to cry. She frequently played with her pet saber tooth tiger between attacks from huge dinosaurs.

Every Thursday, Elsie traveled to a beautiful, blue mineral pool to bathe, and often spent that night "with the boys" partying, or playing an early form of chess. Additional details about Elsie's life are discovered by Dr. Frankenfurter's staff each day, as further excavations are conducted on the former golf course using a fleet of bulldozers. Additional grants for excavations during 2004 have already been provided by government and private organizations.

Compost News reporters were fortunate to locate the eminent paleontologist, Dr. W. Frond, peering over the precipice where the former resort and golf course had been located. Frond provided additional comments about the remarkable discoveries: "Well, ol' Hot Dog was chipping toward the 7th just after this Labrador ran across the course and squat in front of the flag. F's ball stuck in the Lab's dump for sure, and F was sure mad about it, arguing with some official, but later, when he pulled it off the ball and started yelling -eureka! -like that, he was holding it up and screaming that he'd found Elsie's toe... It was certainly an exciting discovery."

RMCN will provide additional updates about the discovery process of humankind's matriarch, Elsie, in future editions.